Foreign Element

It has been so long

2010-12-26T22:24:00.000-08:00

since I last posted that I am not sure there will be any continuity in this rambling.
The blog was originally started to document my stay at home years but those are now over (whew), I am a full time student and future counselor, and I am pretty excited about it. As it makes the whole freaking difference in my perception of world events.

The time when I spent the days childrearing are mostly gone and although I spent every single afternoon with kids it doesn't seems as grueling as it used to be when they were small; Bryan and I, definitely entered a new stage of parenting when we get enough sleep at night, a more adult conversations at dinner and more or less easier way of dealing with the world around us.

Getting to apply to the school was the hardest thing I have done this year, and as usual sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just show up and sing that damn application. To give you a perspective, the triathlon was a breeze compared to that.

it is good to be back although now when spirits are high and anxieties low, I don't think the writing will be as thrilling.
I am back to describe the crazy and fascinating journey of me becoming a therapist. let the rumpus begin!

rooting for the roots

2009-06-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

so here I am again, back to the old country, the old hometown and bringing my kids along to see its magnificence. The visits have been stressful in the past for multiple reasons but being a relatively unhappy teenager and quite angsty young woman could have something to do with it.

in those long intervals when building my new home elswhere, raising two American boys and reconnecting with my American husband over the years really brought me to a much better place and I have became something quite unexpected (probably only to me): an American.

It turns out it takes about 15 years in exile, two children, one dog, anywhere between 9 and 4 chickens and above all one stubborn husband to really become at home in a newly acquired culture.

The process was slow and but palpable as I get reminded of it frequently when strangers eventually ask that one ubiquitous question they must ask 'where are you from?' whenever our conversation exceeds the minimal one sentence. I have had used the old home country code forever. First as my real identity, then out of habit, and lately as some form of excuse, giving myself a benefit of doubt, to not to judge: I just come from a different culture, dude.

So it came to me as a bit of surprise when I started using Portland as my home address. The feeling around this realization was a feeling of relief an happiness because yes, it is an immense relief to settle down and be done with cultural divide. Plus we built a beautiful home in Portland and love the city for its enthusiasm for simpler life, biking, local foodism, urban chicken keeping with the bonus of gorgeous nature and kind inhabitants.

there may be a little finer cultural shift in my personality that really wanted this to happen and it has to do with something so profoundly american as its pie; the healthy ego and selfesteem and assertiveness and other forms of intorspection, such as treating oneself well, accepting oneself and respecting oneself that I must have acquired along the way.

There are as many words for self-esteem in English as they are words for potato in Slovak or snow in Eskimo. If not more. Much of the self focused growth that i needed i made for happier self so I am content and able to fend of constant judgment that my slovak inheritance is so full of.

One inevitable sideproduct of this individualistic selfabsorbed growth is that it makes for more isolated livng at least in the short run, I think. For example, it has become a complete surprise to me NOW for the first time ever to think about why do I still keep relatioships going that so clearly are not very pleasant and don't particularly add anything positive to my life. the american self is rooting for cutting off these ties that have never been fun or fruitful while the slovak self is terrified of loneliness and the loss of the long history I had with some of my more torturous friends and the closeness that somehow people feel when they are with the enemies who were around forever. Kidn of like family members.

rambling rambling for the sake of own understanding of all of this. 'There is no need for excessive nostalgy other than some neurotic subproduct of selfdoubt'; the american ego says while the slovak ego stares blank and mutters 'huh ?'.

a letter for Sashi

2009-03-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

it is the first day of spring and what a great way to mark the 2 and half birthday. Convenient as I have enough excess energy to remember this important milestone. It has been a busy half year with a major start in preschool that finally made Sashi realize that home=boring and somewhere else=fun. We will never know how much of this early independence is a personality and how much the second child raising practice but we are bursting with pride and love to see the little dude make it out there by himself, conquering the hearts of teachers and other dudes and dudettes at the school.

Just yesterday when I was feeling somewhat guilty about not having any ideas or art project lined up (silently giving in the TV entertainment), Sashi comes to me with a piece of colorful paper and crayons and tells me that it is time to do a drawing and here are the tools and can you mama please get off that computer?

If that doesn't shape me in a better parent instantly I don't know what will. A child who has a project, tools and initiative and interest in involving that one adult who is inept at this thing called fun parenting.

The day ended up being one of the best I remember. It was so pleasant, in fact, that I skipped the nap routine, not to upset the balance and harmony of things.

There are harder days when it is difficult to get out and listen to that annoying parent who thinks that shoes need to be put on socks and not other way around and that jacket is useful when it hails. Not mentioning that headache of having an older brother whose schedule is significantly more rigid and we absolutely need to be places on time. It's been hard but Sashi, the dude, is really making an effort and the resistance or tantrums are short lived, for which I will be eternally grateful and I am willing to provide an unlimited supply of chocolate milk in exchange.

One thing I regret is not having charged camera when Sashi picked a shovel of a larger proportion and spend long time laboring along with bryan to set the rain garden drain. He was serious and determined. there is really not that much that can frustrate the little dude. I remember going to this one coffee house where he tried to hang his coat. Unsuccessfully, but man did he try. Over and over and over until the couple of young kids, sitting at the next table, dying from a quiet laughter gave him a hint of using his hood. there was zero frustration and the coat was up and child was waiting for his pastry.

the biggest frustration ensues when I try to help and there is no bigger threat to his intentions than me saying '.... otherwise mama will help.'

we love you Sashi and happy half birthday!

good half of the year

2009-01-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

when I was getting ready to resign over the even years being the tough ones, at the turnpoint of boys turning 6.5 and 2.5, things are unexpectedly turning to better. a turning turn of the turn point.

First Sasha started preschool without any crying or resistance, which was a major win and relief of my much anticipated anxiety. I was dreading the possibility that he was going too early considering his age, lack of potty training and incoherent language. So far so good and we hope it lasts. We also try to converse more which is met by ignoring or uttering his code word 'red' as an answer that should satisfy any intruding adult. A sad statement about our verbal connection with our second born.

Nico is in a happy stage in the winter quarter when friends are plentiful as he is gaining much confidence in video gaming and to our biggest surprise and joy, his playing piano. I credit the 'dude' Peter for the piano fun. That young man connected with Nico in a way that Nico considers playing music a worthwhile activity and even whines when the class is cancelled. The result is a pretty happy boy with only occasional morning whine. The martial art gig is also getting less stressful and more fun for him, although I have second thoughts about its military subtone and really stupid reward system. So, we get long dinner conversation and much sharing, a stark contrast to the discouraged ego due to the summer sports like soccer that he was not a fan. I consider the failures a good learning experience so no regretts there but it made our life a little more complicated by random rage and discontent.

the major sickness season is upon us and that is energy draining but to be expected. While Nico lies down and spends most time sleeping or quietly getting over his sickness, Sasha must finish building that train track in between the bouts of vomiting and regardless the dizziness from high fever and other physical misery. I wish we could harvest this energy but so far it just drains ours. We do kiss those flush cheeks and regress in bedtime routine by sleeping with the sick boy and in general comfort more.

of course, this could also be attributed to my psycho meds which will be tested in the days to come when I inadvertently forget to take.

the inauguration talk at the bedtime

2009-01-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

me: I am so happy about Obama's inauguration, it is a very important moment for me.

Nico: I liked playing Spore today. Kids cannot vote.

me: Obama will make many people happy with better choices for economy and fewer wars.

Nico: Economics is like making money and politics makes war. military is great. regilion is like telling people what to eat and they will eat it.

me: oh yeah?

Nico: and if you have enough money, you should do some entertainment. That will make people happy.

I guess I can just stop trying to educate and let the Spore take care of the rest.

The end of it? really?

2009-01-11T20:00:00.002-08:00

I have been struggling with moderate-to-sever chronic middle back pain since my mid 20s. I was keeping it successfully in check with yoga and exercise. I did MRIs, numerous doctor visits, spend fortune on frequent massages and towards my mid 30s I started to accept the fact that the pain will be with me for the rest of my life and all I can do is to have fun with the activities that keep me pain-free.

Then I had a curious experience of getting significant release of my back pain in my therapy session. The experience was registered by mentioning it to Bryan as something 'crazy' but I didn't give it much further thought. The next revelation came to me during my yoga classes where I started noticing that the most relief I got was during meditation rather than after the poses that are supposed to strengthen the muscles that support my prematurely aging spine. I started thinking that the pain was neurological in nature rather than a skeletal or a muscular problem, without really getting into what 'exactly' that meant. In my mind I was treating the nerves as another kind of involuntary muscle of my CNS and concluded that 'some' form of exercise is still the answer.

I was, however, not prepared to read about the Psychology of Back Pain in one of the science blogs I look at: http://scienceblogs.com/cortex/2009/01/back_pain.php
and it blew my mind with an unexpected bonus of eliminating my chronic back pain to a hardly noticeable discomfort.

I don't know where even start to try to explain the process of healing but it shed some light on how other people experience miracles and start religions and inspire crowds. I am a neuropsychology enthusiast but nothing I have seen in lectures and read online ever could prepare me for this. I was FREE of the pain within a day or two.

and yes I am most likely a psycho whose brain is prone to fixation and repetition when it comes to life as when it comes to the back pain. The pain was like the ghost limb and once I saw it in the mirror, the painful sensations went away. Ok, now excuse me while I go think about this little more to eliminate this pesky lower back pain that promptly settled in!

2009-01-11T20:00:00.001-08:00

what to do in 2009

2009-01-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

1. make a studio/office and start painting
2. knit more when around my kids
3. being more around my friends, spend more time with the puppie, go out with Bryan regularly because this marital stuff needs more quality attention
4. plan my 40s and not freak out about the labor market
5. do yoga at home instead of shelling $$ in expensive studios
3. get the chicken coop plans in motion

all this with no pressure.

getting closer

2009-01-04T09:42:00.001-08:00

another hilarious tidbit about how is Nico trying figure out religions and the famous guy, Jesus.

the other day over dinner he shared his new understanding of who Jesus was: 'He was a famous baseball player'! Nico learnt it from Wii sports, where a virtual player named Jesus was apparently 'really good at baseball'.

As atheists we have been explaining christianity incoherently ever since, I wonder what his synopsis will be.

looking back in time

2008-12-30T23:17:00.000-08:00

One of the most curious results of my child addled brain and the regretful disappearance of my shorterm memory is that I am suddenly flooded by many memories from childhood that I did not retrieve for a decade or two. It feels surreal and weird because I literally have to stop whatever I am doing at that moment, the memory is that unexpected.

some triggers are totally weird, like a smell of some chinese ointment that I smelled in yoga studio: that made me zoom instantly to the times when my sister used the ointment for her migraines and the medicinal smell that accompanied most of my childhood ailments.

Other triggers though are more obvious. After spending some time with my sister and this time not reacting to anything but a direct question really made me observe and recognize us as small kids. I was stunned to see that not that much of the dynamic changed in those 30+ years. We regress to our 7 year old ourselves instantly. Having my mom around pushes the same kind of buttons as always but finally I find the effect less painful and more revealing about where my ego or lack of comes from.

listening to sentences like " I would have never guessed that you would be so skilled in ..... " or ' you have an unbelievable skill to mess things up' or just the common exclamation of my name in frequent judgment, make me want to hug that small kid who was once me. Although to my mother's defense, it is very cultural way of dealing with kids and something that she as a kid probably went through and probably worse. We are all doing better now with our kids in each generation and I am certain she tried. and I am grateful, I guess.

a younger brother in workings

2008-12-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

It is such a joy to raise a second child despite the enormous increase in work. Things are more relaxed in term of his own physical competence. Sashi has more independence and freedom without my incessant worrying about his safety that surrounded Nico most of his toddlerhood. Sasha can fix his breakfast and find snacks without asking, figures out what to do without whining and can spend many long minutes playing his own games. They both can deal with morning (if they want!) without us waking up and attending to the breakfast ritual over the weekends.

Sashi's independence of spirit and general whereabouts brings much relief but comes at a price. All this diminished attention brings less of interaction and systematic loss of communication when we either focus on the more verbal and demanding older brother or find relief in his independence.

Being 4+ years younger brings him less dependence on his older brother which brings less interaction and less play but more harmony and less competition. I feel like his personality is developing regardless of his brother's influence, at least so far.

I wonder how their relationship will be in the future but one is sure, it is better when I am not around. Which is something I need to understand at some point but lesson is being learnt and I leave the play alone regardless of circumstances.

One of the curious things I noticed is that when I am not around (with sitter or my mom) they play fabulously well, it is only when I am around the drama starts. damn kids. I am coming to the conclusion that me having a full time job might be the best parenting strategy for years to come.

Jesus, the famous guy

2008-12-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

we have not been entirely up to date explaining Nico religious traditions partially because we know so little about it but mostly because we don't care. Public school system and other strangers have been doing us service in enlightening our boy and he did pay some attention.

when explaining Santa Claus or Nicholas day on December 6th in Slovakia I touched on the subject of Jesus when some bulbs after which Nico's eyes became lit up with excitement: " Jesus? The famous guy?"

and just today Bryan reported new developments on the theory of historical Jesus according to Nico: ' Jesus is the old Santa'.
Interestingly he is decently knowledgeable about Hanukkah, with practice details and religious history.

These insight are the highlights of this years christmas season. That and murdering the tree at the tree farm.

'just use the credit card, mama'

2008-11-14T22:58:00.000-08:00

as we grow to be seven, the world is becoming more and more legible sometimes in a way that is truly surprisingly insightful, coming from a mouth of a 6 year old boy.

Last time we were shopping and I rejected some badly needed item as too expensive, my little guy muttered 'just put it on your credit card". at first I was shocked, where does he gets this credit irresponsibility, not from us! we don't own any besides mortgage. Then I made sure I gave some lesson how the card really is money and needs to paid and worked for.

and then I read this pretty remarkably simple insight into human psyche after reading this entry in my favorite The Frontal Cortex blog by Jonah Lehrer: http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/weekend-in-portland-recipe.html

quote:
"
.... one of the reasons credit cards are such a popular form of debt is that they take advantage of some innate flaws in the brain. When we buy something with cash, the purchase involves an actual loss - our wallet is literally lighter. Credit cards, however, make the transaction abstract, so that we don't really feel the downside of spending money. Brain imaging experiments suggest that paying with credit cards actually reduces activity in the insula, a brain region associated with negative feelings. As George Loewenstein, a neuroeconomist at Carnegie-Mellon says, "The nature of credit cards ensures that your brain is anaesthetized against the pain of payment." Spending money doesn't feel bad, so you spend more money.'

happy second birthday Sashi!

2008-09-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

It is as usual hard to believe that the kids are growing this fast. Sashi is 2 today, on the first day of this and almost every fall, and among other things knows how to say 'Mama, come here, now!", clearly an influence of his unruly big brother. He can hit his butt and scream 'bum!' and laugh hysterically mimicking his older brother to a T.

The birthday party was a big deal and the concept of a birthday cake, a happy birthday song and candles being blown definitely sank in. The concept of age and aging, not yet. When I ask how old he is, he answers 'six', of course. Sashi is still obsessed with backhoes and elephants and doggies and dinos. He is fearless physically and it is a joy to see how much he can do, although very nerve racking.

and just yesterday, we spend the Sunday joyfully without much yelling and reprimanding, adults doing our thing and kids chasing each other and Pixel. It was so dreamy and hopefully a glimpse into an easier future where kids hang out independently.

He is such a gentle sweet boy and at such a lovely age, still so innocent and vulnerable but already very competent at the everyday details and eager to grow up.
happy birthday zlatusik!

the conversation at the family dinner

2008-08-29T13:27:00.001-07:00

after Bryan gave me 45 min away from kids after a long day, while he was cooking our dinner.

I came back from a quick impromptu bash with my neighbor gals, hugged Sashi, kissed Nico and sighed happily 'I love my family'.

Bryan looks at me sharply and asked bluntly : 'How many drinks?'

an ode to videogaming

2008-08-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

I think I am at turning point in my life I can actually spend an hour by myself in the morning drinking coffee without a single interruption. I think I am going to cry. I cannot get my kids watch tv but we discovered my 2 year old can sit still for a bit infront of a race car videogame with Bryan and Nico, spending some quality time:-)

He's older than he's ever been and now he's even older

2008-08-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

Nico is 6. finally! The boy was agonizing over his age for weeks and blaming all of us for his birthdate to be so late. The truth is he has nobody to blame other than himself, he was a late baby.

When Amy, Nico's best friend's mom asked him what he wanted for his sixth birthday, he replied 'anything violent'.
That pretty much sums up our lives with Nico in the last 12 months. The warfare, the physical hyperactivity and all the boy related excitement. As outrageous as it may seem to my pacifistic self, I have to say I am enjoying this boyish energy a lot.

I am very grateful to Nico to make me understand and love men for something I always found a bit disturbing and inappropriate. So here we go, gunfights and fart jokes, we have at least another year ahead of us. God helps us :-) and ....
Happy birthday pumpkin!

a nightmare

2008-06-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Nico shared his nightmare.

I was running from a bunch of girls who were trying to kiss me. Peter G. was hiding from them under a towel shaking and screaming : 'kissing is gross'. I was brave and I wasn't scared and I didn't wake up and run to your bed. I was very brave.

the How-much-do-you-really-love-me-? phase

2008-06-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

that has just started at 20 months with Sashi. The constant hitting, yelling and tantruming has began and our unconditional love is being tested at every step. The whole unreasonable melodrama makes me so angry and it is hard to control the outbursts of anger so not to crush the spirit of our little devil who, as we all know, will grow up into a great kid and reasonable man. In the meantime, buckle up everybody and grind your teeth in silencio, per favore.

At this age, I was still nursing Nico and that put an significant relief on his emotions and tantrums. Plus we just had so much more energy to deal and his language was a little more clear. While with Sashi, the frustrations are many and language quite not there and no way of knowing how to deal with it. I wonder what kind of neurosis will he be nursing for the rest of his life.
Different from the one Nico will deal with, that is for sure.

for all the future potential daughters in law

2008-06-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

Nico came from a friend's birthday party and shared this:

'This was so much fun. Did you know only boys were invited?" me: nod
"Hmmm, except for Max's sister'. me: 'Oh yeah?'
'She is interesting." me: 'why?'
'She doesn't like princess-y stuff. She only likes star wars!'

this needed to be recorded for future references.

How Sashi learns his first and second language and which is which

2008-05-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

This time around, with Sashi, I am less concerned with early speech or short term results in speaking rather I am focused on teaching Sashi Slovak. Which in practice means postponed speech development in the short-run. Although I am quite certain that Sashi will be speaking at some point fluently at least EnglishI have to admit it is very hard to see him struggle, trying to make sense of the mingle of both English and Slovak spoken to him at different points of time.

Now when trying to raise him bilingual I realize how important can the outside influence on a child's speech be. Most toddlers when saying new words correctly get much approval and help in pronunciation from friends and strangers. Sashi, on the other hand, gets blank stares and no reaction when he wants to convey something in Slovak to somebody who is not me or to Nico. It is very heartbreaking for me to watch his failure in communication. I usually start speaking Slovak very aggressively, when situations like this happen so that he gets at least some connection.

However, he is aware of this gap and quickly moving more toward English as a result which pains me, but I am going to be stubborn this time and make him at least understand. Interestingly I noticed that he all of his verbs are Slovak. I suspect this is because there is certain melodic quality to all verbs being conjugated systematically in Slovak, unlike in English when each verb sounds very distinct from each other and at the same time grammatically undistinguishable from a noun.

All of Sashi's nouns, however are exclusively English. This is clearly due to the many basic words being one syllabic and easy to pronounce. I wonder whether his thinking will be influenced by these inconsistencies between these two grammars.

As for me, it is surprisingly hard to switch languages on command. Most of the time my talking is automatic and comes out as English albeit strongly accented. After spending 13 years in the U.S. my dreams and thoughts are English. It takes much effort to convert to Slovak and make sense. I find it crazy that 26 year development can be erase in a decade. Makes you really believe in elasticity of the brain matter.

As for Nico, we spoke mostly English when he was toddler while I made very halfhearted attempt for Slovak and now at 6 his speech and understanding is at around a level of a 2 year old Slovak. My English can be painful to come out and in the aftermath of pregnancies and breastfeeding I often cannot find the right words instantly. Of course, this particular idiosyncracy of mine is mimicked perfectly by Nico. He sounds a little cumbersome and hard pressed for words with incomplete sentences. This entirely my influence as he spoke clearly and early as a baby and I am not super pleased. Although he learnt the verb 'ingest' before the verb 'eat' and that made him sound like a super baby;-)

May

2008-05-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

the spring is finally here on a more permanent basis. We spent most of it with kids out in our yard. Me, yaking with my neighbor Gabi over the fence and then later hanging out with the greater group of neighbors on our short street strip. With Gabi we discovered a little gate between our adjacent yards which will be so functioning once Ethan and Sasha get into more interactive age.

It was such an attractive scene, the kids of all ages playing, kicking, babysitting and talking. Nico basically moves around the street unsupervised and we share a secret passage between our yards with his neighbor buddy Addison. It was a total love fest out there. I cannot name a single family that is not friendly and even my very introverted husband had to come an make an awkward attempt for conversation because it was just such a cool scene.

Portland as a community rocks and my only regret about moving here is that we didn't do it much much earlier.

oh and did I mention this was the fifth time this week? tomorrow I expect longer hangout with beer etc. All this weather is making me all giddy and manic. Life is good, once again.

Mária Saková, April 18, 1922- Februar 25,2008

2008-04-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

She was my grandmother. Some of my best childhood memories are from summers when we visited her and spend months hanging around lazily in the yard, walking in the woods, picking mushrooms and wild strawberries, picking herbs and making herbal teas, kicking ball around with our cousins. I will never forget the nights in her attic, sleeping in her bed with these enormous blankets full of goose feathers which of course were plucked mostly by her. It was quite uncomfortable, I remember. The blankets were not exactly the dawn we know about, the feathers were large and pokey.

She was born, raised, lived and died in a village of 5000 people in northern Slovakia. She was there for the Nazi occupation, Russian liberation, the communist revolution as well for the Velvet Revolution, none of which she took part or interest except of being perhaps annoyed by the incovenience of change. She shocked me by announcing that she liked the German soldiers (they were polite, not stealing hew clock and paying her for groceries) and hated the Russian liberators (who were the clock thieves and robbers as far as she was concerned). She hated communists openly under communism which gave me some anxiety stomach ache (nobody around me was even remotely critical of the system) and she was annoyed by the Velvet Revolution and even made some critical remarks on students not doing anything useful with their times. It troubled me as a child to know someone who was so non-mainstream. I was embarrassed by her opinions and only now I realize how valid her point of view was and perhaps much more honesty than the ones of my parents, for example.

She went to grade school but I am not sure whether she finished high school even. Was married at age 18 to a 33 year old salesman. She raised 4 boys basically by herself. She took care of large house, enormous number of animals and significant field. She was great with babies but pretty inaccessible to older kids and adults equally. She lived a hard hard life. It makes me want to hug her now and say that I understand and I am so sorry but it is too late now. I remember, in a moment of a rare confidentiality, my dad shared and long lasting resentment about his mother who fed the animals in the barn before she fed kids who were often left hungry.

The church was her home and she loved the respect and attention that she was missing in her home. As small girls we were resenting the church going obligation we had when living with her. We were never too close with her although she was emotional with us at times but mostly distant and very practical. She had a nice smile and she liked to laugh, although I am afraid it didn't happen too much. Her relationship with her kids was an unfortunate result of too controlling persona that she acquired and lack of introspection. Our cousins were always envious because we, the city grandkids, and girls were more pampered over the summer while they, the boys were not. I always found that very unfair but there was nothing I could do about it.

The last ten years of her life were hard, living with her third son (who turned into a very angry old man) and in the house that she gave away and was not particularly welcomed to. My dad and her oldest son died before her and it must had been a blow. I am still dealing with the anger I felt when I heard that she rejected him when he came back from prison. I felt estranged emotionally to her for quite some time and that was the main reason why I didn't go and visit her last summer which would had been the last time to see Sasha and Nico (once again).

I regret it often, now when I am sometimes catching glimpses of Sasha who is starting to look a little like my dad. Last time I saw her was in August 2006. She was avoiding much conversation. I wanted to know how she was raising her kids when they were Nico's age (2 at that time). I learnt that she raised another infant for about 1 year when her own kids were quite small.

I am in awe of this woman to be able to withstand her unfortunate life circumstances and not go completely insane. As a second degree product of her hard work I am deeply humbled and grateful for her to be in my life.

Ahoj Babka. Budeš nám chýbať.

a travel horror story

2008-04-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

this is something that happened couple of weeks ago and I just want to transcribe it because I want to be done with it. Hello therapy, goodbye traumatic memory.

We travel to Boston, everybody gets sick, Sasha gets a weird rash. We are planning on returning and I call our doc asking about the rash. I self-diagnose Sasha, it is a chicken pox. The doc says, yes it could be but he is fine to fly once the rash is crusted/scabbed over. on day 6 after the exposure we board the plane and an air attendant comes and asks me ' is there any chance your child has a chicken pox?'. I answer 'yes, but the doc says he is not contagious and can fly'. She comes back asking for doc's name and phone number, becomes agitated when I say the boy was diagnosed over the phone. She looks at my kid, brings more people over and they all become doctors for a moment and decide that he is not done with the chicken pox.

Two big stalky men come next, asking us to bring all of our things and leave the plane. 'Sorry mam, you need to leave the plane' May I add alone, with two small children.

Ugh, the humiliation, the horror, the pleading (the boy is not contagious) to the poor guys whose main job is to supervise luggage transfer and who are feeling bad for me and in turn I feel bad for them feeling bad for me. All in all an unstable feedback situation. Sasha screams because he just learnt how to operate a seatbelt at early age of 17 months and we are taking it away from him! Nico follows me quietly, taking everything in, starts sobbing once we are outside, the weight of public shame is totally getting to him. I pretend this is not a big deal and if we all cooperate and are understanding a world will be a healthy place. I am very very stressed and hurt. I carry sobbing 5 year old in my arms while sasha is trying to get into the plane using commando crawl.

it turns out the airline put a hold on us and we cannot possibly find a flight for next 5 days. That is a long time so I decided to shell money and see a doctor in boston. He concludes, Nope this not a chicken pox, this is the Hand Mouth and Foot virus. Great. However, kid can fly. He rolls his eyes listening to my experience, writes a letter for the airlines. we get to the airport get our tickets and have again groups of airline workers come and diagnose. this time they all agree, this doesn't look like a chicken pox even to them! And that is all that matters. so we board and nobody comes and asks us to leave and the flight is totally full and the engine fumes are hurting my eyes and lack of oxygen makes me want to sleep but I am happy. We are finally not a threat to public and that is, my friends, a huge relief.

Field Notes

2008-04-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

gorgeous days like today leave me and kids hanging out in our yard once we pick Nico from school. And there was a rolly polly bug that Nico found and was playing with. Knowing about how much he likes to tease these little creatures, I pleaded:
'Please don't kill it, let's be gentle with nature'. (I know this sounds so lame, but I have this huge responsibility of raising a man who will not skin babies as a hobby when a teen).

Nico to my delight answers 'Oh don't worry mama, I will not kill it'.
My eyes soften and I am happy and then he adds in about two breaths.

'I am only thinking about killing it. It is only in my head, mama! Do you know how I want to kill it? I will feed it to our fish!'

La femme politique

2008-04-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

The recent discussions about whether to boycott or not the Olympics in China due to the messy dealings in Lasa, Tibet left me quite unimpressed. Although I understand why making a political statement of boycotting can please some neurotic minds, the pragmatist in me cannot see any potential benefit to it, besides actually feeling better about ourselves while refraining from doing a more involved diplomacy like an economic boycott.

Boycotting Olympics may look sexier and will get wider publicity but will it make any effect on self-absorbed politicians? No. Now an economic boycott would make a huge impression on the powerful people of China and will this every happen? No. How does that make me feel about the halfhearted boycotting Olympics. Not so hot.

Anyways, I am wasting my time on this mostly because I noticed one interesting pattern to this discussion. Looking at the leading voice of discontent in Europe, we see Angela Merkel, an impressive accomplished scientist and politician. And who do we hear bout the most, here in the U.S? Hillary Clinton advising the current president to not go to China.

Isn't this remarkable? Two most visible and powerful women both routing very adamantly for the same dramatic way of dealing with international discord. While the rest of the old men group has zero to a lukewarm reaction, Sarkozy came the closest by admitting that he is 'not closing any doors'. Oh, how decisive and brave of him. These two women and their unapologetic No is really so much more impressive. Granted this is not a large sample but women are still a scarce resource in western political circles.

So this brings me to the exciting extrapolation. If this observation is at all valid (as it is original:-) would this behavior be somehow indicative of what female politicians will contribute to this world. More compassion or more drama? More courage or more passive aggressivity? Since any behavior is doulbe edged sword especially in politics, I find this strong affinity very endearing even though I don't find it particularly effective. It is a powerful gesture and I am a woman after all:-)

on how to raise a sensitive young man

2008-04-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 6 months since we brought Pixel, our black lab puppy from humane society to our house and the adjustments that kids had to make to live next to a living thing without killing it are slowly materializing.

Recently Grandma Jo had an educational email exchange with Nico that went something like this.

Grandma: Are you being kind to Pixel?
Love,
Grandma Jo

Nico: hi jo i ceep on forgeting to be nice

Grandma: Hello Nico, I find that when I am nice to Zoe or Fiona, I feel good about myself. I feel like a good person. Try petting Pixel and see how you feel. Let me know.
Love,
Grandma Jo

Nico: hi jo its not wrcing

ceremonial living

2008-04-01T10:17:00.001-07:00

Staying at home alone with kids and a puppy has some charm to it, despite of the obligatory bitching to the missing adult. The one very particular thing we do when the distribution of adults in the house is uneven is how we create processions to do things around the house. Together. At all times.

Our little errands around the house, like brushing someone's teeth or me going to the bathroom requires the attention of all family members at once. Pixel usually follows in my exact footsteps, followed by rambunctious Nico who is looking for Voldemort at every corner and the procession concludes with Sasha running in his drunken 18 month old ways typically holding a glass in his hands, his favorite thing to run with.

Once we descend on the small spaces like the bathroom or the kid's room, there is an imminent chaos with kids figuring out how to turn the space into the playground and destroy any order that was ever attempted. The best thing of all is our bedroom. Our recently acquired giant king bed is an acrobatic platform jumped upon with so much excitement that Pixel starts taking everybody's socks away followed by nibbling on our ears. At that point at least one person squeals with happiness, at least one member cries from pain and at least one member, typically me, screams in horror.

The evenings are the best part, not only the day is finally over. We all crawl in Sasha's bed, Nico left of Sasha, me right and Pixel at our feet (or the changing pillow) where we all fall asleep approximately 2 hours after the first time we get in there. It is a bit frustrating and I would totally lose my mind if this was the standard way of ending the day. In these 1-2 days when Bryan is away, it comes as a cute diversion from the cleaning/internet surfing. I cannot believe I just said that without feeling a bit depressed about it. Thanks Lamictal!

Home Improvement Fatality No 1

2008-03-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

In theory, I could say that we are couple of very enthusiastic stay at home parents with much gusto for DIY projects. We feel good about ourselves and our future as well as for the future of our home and our children. Until last week. When we attempted a little tiny insignificant random home improvement project that destroyed this beautiful world we had planned together.

It is really my fault of not handling this little thing by myself, using ad hoc, quick and dirty tricks to fix this cheap shitty IKEA chest that our boys had in their room for last 5 years. One of the boards had been falling out and I decided to glue it together. Just like that. Simple enough, no?

I mentioned this Bryan, who hates distractions while working at home, but I do it anyways because secretly I really like to bug him. It is a perverse feature that I come with, I love him and enjoy his company and while being a SAHM I do everything to get some distraction from this wonderful job of mine. But I regress.

I ask for recommendation of glue only because we have probably every single kind of glue at home that was ever mass produced in the United States. Husband springs into action, his manly instincts are called to save this non-technical female mind from doing things imprecisely. Apparently the world of internet can bear a second without the network security expert hovering over it with his important presence. I didn't know that.

Husband descends on the projects, evaluates it and concludes: we need to take the cheap motherfucker apart! Glue it, weight it, leave it overnight and then assemble again. I, pleased by him taking interest in my domestic vacation and avoiding to sound like my typical PITA self, agree. We carefully think about it, start disassembling the thing, work hard figuring how to reverse engineer IKEA's sickly mind, until we finally BREAK IT to the point that chest is completely unusable and all drawers falling apart individually. Our puppy Pixel gets so excited that she pees right next to it.

Now, even my communist upbringing couldn't prepare me to the blow that just hit me right there. Are we, two stay at home working parents going to make it? Is our first home going to be ok with us around? Will that fucking glue we have ever going to be used? Is my 18 month old toddler watching this going to be marked by it? Is Pixel ever going to be potty trained?

We laughed and joked around but deep inside we both suffer. Terribly.

independence day

2008-02-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

While Nico is busy in his Harry Potter world with magic wands and eyeglasses, Sasha is into much more mundane interests. Getting dressed is at the moment the most exciting part of his day. It is quite amusing to watch him try to put a sock on at his young 16 months of age. He stretches is vigorously between his hands and tries to touch his toes with it expecting some kind of sock-me-on action. I let him struggle and enjoy the quiet moment, that will not last for too long.

As for myself and my great life while having my mom here, I totally overscheduled my very limited free time. With looming midterm from my Bio class and piano class and job interview next week, I am beginning to wonder: what am I going to do when babka leaves in couple of weeks?

I am back, kind of.

2008-02-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a hard winter. My first one in Portland. Between Nico entering his kindergarten and plunging in a completely new scene of kids and parents and Sasha climbing everything in sight and new puppy who we adore, I became a little unstable in this fight for survival. Even getting a substantial help from babka was not enough for me to prevent my mood swings that were marked by things being thrown at the person I love the most.

Plus the kids. Oh, the kids, how could I forget! It is hard to be an overachiever mom and knowing it and resenting it. The sefl-correction keeps me bouncing back and forth between benign neglect and manic parenting.

So I came back to this little outlet of mine to keep things a bit more sorted out by writing them down. For the sake of my insanity I am back to blog more about things I love and hate.

good luck me. hi me. go me.

New Developments

2007-12-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

Raising a second kid sometimes really gives you the right perspective. With the first I would try to follow on the classical developmental stages like crawling/walking/talking. With the second one I really focus on the more meaningful acts of growing up.

My second child, for example, flashed the toilet with much gusto at 12 months and learnt not only how to unroll a roll of toilet paper but also how to roll it back up, which is as you might imagine an enormous effort. We are very proud.

Sasha also learnt how to get off the bed feet first, very early. That early gift I chalk up to his attempt to escape the torturing of his older brother and his early attempt for escapism which he is practicing every moment he gets.

I wish I had this perspective with my first because, now when he is five, I cannot for the life of me remember when was it his first time he flushed the toilet or tried to drink from it. I am sure he would appreciate that kind of memorabilia as an adult much more than the accounts of his first anxiously observed crawl.

Sasha turns 1 year

2007-09-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

the things I learn everyday

2007-07-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

from my four year old Nico!

'Mama, did you know that people who made movie Cars are called Credits?' After some attempt for explanation, I get this response. 'No, no you don't understand Credits is the name of people of made movie Cars'!
And that was end to that lecture.

Sasha moved another two to three feet on his knees and hands which makes today the official day when Sasha first crawled in perfect style. He was on his four for a month at least but only for a fleeting instant before he sat up or before he collapsed on his belly and promptly rolled over on his back. Sitting down was being perfected tirelesssly last month and everytime I go and respond to his cries in the middle of the night, he is sitting proudly in the middle of our bed like a little jedi. Waiting for me, of course. First time he did this, it freaked me out.

I love my two boys so much!

It is out!

2007-06-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

the first tooth is out and digging in my skin every opportunity sasha has to mouth me. So that would explain those several nights where he wouldn't sleep soundly for longer than an hour and nurse almost nonstop and ask to be held at all times during his waking hours.
So one of the teeth is out. How many more to go?

Laughing cow

2007-05-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sasha is clapping now. He mostly likes to clap his hands while nursing. It's great. Much better than calling me "Mmmmoo'.

Mmmmm.moooo

2007-05-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

this is the week that Sasha turned 7 months and his da-da subsided for a bit and he is now clearly working on his MAMA word!

It is adorably hilarious and also clear that my identity is clearly not well understood. To be fair he does say ma-ma quite clearly but mostly when he is really desperate for some comfort and quite sick. The most heartfelt 'mama' ever!. Poor baby, already went through two ear infections in one month. It is already so wrenching to see him suffer and then he squeezes the perfect 'mama' to make absolutely sure I'd stay by his side when in fever and pain:-)

Nico on the other hand is becoming the biggest,the tallest, the smartest, the most competitive kid in the whole wide world and in the whole week and in million years. I mentioned how well I liked the dinner and he was quick to add that he liked it 'weller'.
I cherish these grammatical mistakes like gold because he is so close to losing them.

The day Sasha said DA-DA

2007-04-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

Although Sasha has been making noises for a while, most notably making his M-M-MOO sound for unhappiness or hunger (or mama?), his first DA-DA was truly a first genuine attempt of him trying to speak rather than complain. So far DA-DA is used for everything but when used around Bryan it is accompanied by a high pitch squeal. super cute.

Nico is trying to engage him into debate too. By the frequency of words he uses around Sasha I wouldn't be surprised if Sasha called him a 'poop' as his first word.

Portland

2007-03-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

we moved in the worst possible time and the welcome was frankly depressing. Portland in February is so fucking depressing, it made me cry. It really hit me after we moved. I was already in vulnerable state (home for many years and a with a new baby) and this 'little' change threw me right into depression. I miss everybody and my little comfort routine. I need to reinvent everything here. Every.fucking.thing.

the present holiday

2006-12-25T22:42:00.000-08:00

Nico had been scouting our tree for week for presents and yesterday he tried to trick me into opening them by saying that daddy allowed him to open one. I tried to explained Nico that lying is not ok, he said " I know it is not true, it was just my brain talking'

we went to visit his friend Maya and when leaving we agreed on last 4 minutes. While giving Nico the 4-3-2-1 countdown he complained 'The time goes forward, mama, not backward!'. Clever chimp! I wonder whether he 'll get into physics later.

Sasha is 12 weeks old

2006-12-16T19:14:00.000-08:00

and Nico turned into a big kid sometimes last week and it must happened overnight. Suddenly things click together and everything he knows somehow makes more sense and the trick is in the detail and workings of things.

Sasha is gaining his first independence by sucking on his fists and refusing a pacifier because now he has things to say! This sweet smelling baby is growing too fast.

The plans for Portland are becoming more concrete, visiting Portland in January to get rental lined up and get interview/tour of NIco's future school. Moving in February and we are starting from the square one, once again. I am scared s#$%less.

Nico's news

2006-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

Nico is into calling everybody names.
his news todays at preschool were

Zuzana is at home with peanut and Bryan is at work.

phew.... at least at preschool he doesn't call us poopooheads:-)

Sasha is 6 weeks

2006-11-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

and has his first cold!
I am so stressed that cannot sleep at night for fear of him having difficulties with breathing. I so need a drink to calm down but I am breastfeeding!

somebody tell me, he'll be ok. I have never heard of babies being sick so young besides the SIDS cases. Nico got his first cold when he was 9 months old!

Nico is 4 years 3 months old

2006-11-01T20:56:00.001-08:00

favorite passtime: racing his bike, crashing his cars and playing racing games
favorite words: stupid, poopohead, peepee head, fart, stinky head, NO
favorite expression: sticking out a tongue while turning head violently back and forth with unidentifiable language
favorite person: daddy
favorite teacher: Linea
favorite friends: Michael, Noah, Max and Ian
favorite food: pasta bolognese
expertise: being a good friend

'Crash' a movie by Nico

2006-11-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

CJ and Express are going really fast on the tracks.... Nico is yelling excitedly.

'Crash'
'They all died'
'Express is the deadest train'
'CJ is going to loot him'
'We need a friend who can help us loot!'

hmmm, interesting progress in Nico's story telling. Gaming with Bryan is showing a strong influence. Sigh.

for my mama

2006-10-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

as I am rocking my 3 week old Sasha to sleep at 3 am, tired and exhausted when I decide to turn on the light. I do this instinctively, and my reaction to seeing my child's content expression is instant and emotionally overwhelming. I can now see that he is happy to be so snuggli and well fed and content in my arms. I understand how good it feels and it makes me happy despite the gruesome reality of being awake at 3am and had to deal with reflux and feeding while my back is literally killing me. How can I be so happy under such miserable circumstances? I have a feeling that sometime in the long forgotten past somebody must have tended to me in a similar ways. And I am grateful.

Is it a space shuttle or a giant boobie?

2006-10-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

Nico: 'Mama, let's show Sasha my space shuttle!'
me; 'Let's show him'. 'Do you think Sasha knows it is a space shuttle?'
Nico: 'No, he thinks it is a giant boobie'.

co-sleeping is addictive

2006-10-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

I swore that with a second child I will be sleep training from the day one and we will all sleep better for the rest of our lives.
The truth is, it is all about me, I just love to sleep so close to a newborn and not to be awaken in terror thinking that somewhere a child of mine stopped breathing and I don't even KNOW about it!

the fact that he sleeps 4-5 hours in our bed and only 1-2 hours in his cosleeper is a poor enough of an excuse! I am an addict and now I know it.

Sasha is 10 days old today and I am madly in love.

Adding Addictions

2006-09-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

in my young family it looks like we pooled some pretty colorful addictive genetics together.

I got lucky during my adolescence due to my restrictive communist upbringing that I wasn't tempted with substances other than sugar and chocolate but my father didn't get that lucky and his gambling got really out of hand. So out of hand that we ended up on street after several mob threats and subsequently survived a fire that was set in our apartment while 'the kids' were asleep.

why am I rehashing it now? I worry about our kids when I watch hubby playing his WOW day after day and his crankiness when less than hour of play was accomplished. Weekend outings are a disaster because something is clearly out of whack when we are not at home for my dear gaming husband. My addictions are not as hot but they are they are with us and my baking day did yield some awesome chocolate chip cookies.

In the meantime, I am reading articles on how behavioral and substance additions are really the same thing (thank you NOT the New scientist), overdosing on chocolate and apple juice and worrying about the future. ....and I cannot wait for my first shot of oxytocin.

it is 4.48 AM and today is my due date

2006-09-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Mitochondrial Eve,

can I complain? why vaginal birth? whose idea was it anyways? I want to lay eggs in the sand and watch them hatch one by one while laying on the beach and enjoying IT! I could even orchestrate a home-birth.

instead, my body and my mind are in a house arrest, my world shrank to 3-4 blocks that I can walk and 5 hours I can only sleep, and finite number of sentences I can process. Everything is getting so slooow and body is giving its last stretch.

Mommy? Do adults sleep at night?

2006-09-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

asks N.
'What do you think?' I inquire.
'They don't', he retorts confidently
'They only sleep in the morning'.

N. had been sleeping through the night close to a year now and he already doesn't REMEMBER? The painful three years of waking me up and asking for favors at 3AM. No fair!

this is such a hard ass society

2006-09-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

one strike and out in relationships, zero tolerance policy at schools, credible and consistent parenting is the good parenting.

all this hard ass attitude towards kids, husbands, friends. I feel like we have no chance unless we are virtuous, clean and achieving.

there is so little love.

and I am not even religious. Do I have to resign myself as an empathy freak because I just find people who fuck up and search deeply for themselves more interesting than the perfect overachieving bunch?

to add the insult to injury of my own life, I am a trained economist, so I get the capitalistic consensus on incentives and credibility building in a rational society. give a carrot for good behavior and whip the undesired and we will all live in a functional society. I kind of agree in theory but when I hear it over and over from normal humans I get a little scared.

whatever, the bottom line is that I love my dudes so much that they can fuck up as much as they could and I will be still around. the curious thing is: they don't.

Life aquatic

2006-09-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

this summer was a blast and the water play was one of the major confidence booster for Nico who learnt how to swim. I am relieved as swimming is really a life skill and once Sasha is born i will have less attention for water play. He is totally confident and can almost swim a short lap without needing to stop.

now I need to finally upload some pictures.

Sometimes I wonder

2006-09-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

'whose child is this anyway?'
especially if he goes around other parents and insists 'Look at me? Look, what I can do!'

I remember thinking in the past of how annoying it is to listen to these overly confident 3-4 year olds who just wouldn't shut-up. Now Nico is one of them. Sigh.

Luckily in this country it is more or less tolerated, even preferred by some. Once we travel to Slovakia next year, i expect rude awakening.
but again I must remind myself that this lack of confidence is something I don't like about my life and my panicky feelings when talking in front larger group of people at the age 35 is not doing me any service, in any culture. did I mention, I still blush in social situations? Must abort all of this in Nico's personality. wish me good luck.

regressing

2006-08-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

did I just mention how pregnancy makes me a more patient mother. So today's post is about how pregnancy reveals a complete lunatic and mother the Dragon from the authentic Grimm fairy tales.

While driving home from the last day preschool/graduation party at 8pm Nico got upset, spilled some water all over himself while not getting anything and he was very thirsty. and hungry. and tired. As a therapeutical release he threw my aluminum bottle into my head while we were driving 25 mph on a busy street. The fury took a complete hold of me and i was yelling and yelling and yelling for good 2-3 minutes. The fit was perfect, red in face, electric beams were coming out of my eyes, flames out of my ears while I was holding the bottle and yanking it against my car. The F word was spoken.

It was the closest moment of insanity eversince the times I better not talk about in public. Man these hormones are some powerful shit they bring some deep memories. My dad was a yelling member and completely impulsive parent and I just showed that reincarnation is a fact of life.

for the rest of the trip (which is short, thank god) we both cried, and then we both sobbed uncontrollably in our parkway. We both got really scared. After we got home we had strawberry ice-cream for dinner and apologized to each other and promised that we will only throw bottles at daddy as a fun exercise when he plays too many games. Nico fell asleep on Bryan's chest like a newborn.

now i wonder about the little fetus in utero, what was he getting out of all of this? god help me.

36 weeks pregnant

2006-08-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

and this is the form of life that is taking place inside of my body (from www.visembryo.com)

Week 34 Post Fertilization.... Placenta is now one-sixth of fetal weight.

HEAD

Gums appear ridged and may look like teeth. Head may now position (head-down) into pelvis before labor.

ABDOMEN

Gastrointestinal system is very immature and will stay that way until three or fourth years after birth. Fetus stores about 15% of weight in fat to keep temperature of body warm. Fetus receives and eliminates nutrition through umbilical cord.

LIMBS

Limbs begin to dimple at elbows and knees and creases form around wrists and neck.

SKIN

Skin appears light pink because of blood vessels close to its surface.

Slo-mo disciplining

2006-08-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

man, what has happened to my sweet reasonable preschooler? Turning 4 was a blast, the realization of unexpected opportunities, taking risks and learning new things with incredible enthusiasm in addition to the small detail of testing all discipline boundaries.

No, it was not a good idea to kick my seat while driving, yelling, making huge lion faces and trying to spit.... the only thing that saved my son's poor ass from spanking is my 36 weeks of pregnancy when bending over sends excrutiating pain signals to my brain. This complete disability makes me the best mother ever.... no yelling, no yanking, no threats, just a calm slo-mo explanation why i didn't like this, revoking some fun activities for the rest of the day and a swift time out. No drama, just a educational clip on how to discipline an irrational preschooler with grace. i swear this inability to act, think or react fast makes me the best mom ever. i bet I even look good at it.

Now i understand why it is evolutionary advantageous for a mother to become slower and less emotional.... so that these kids have a chance of survival and we can live longer and healthier life.

What rules do adults obey, mama?

2006-08-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

asked my now 4 year old at the dinner table after a particularly difficult day when he tested just about any boundary that he is aware off.
'Hmmmm, many', was my super answer.
'Traffic rules, for example', Bryan chirps in.
'So that we don't crash', I add approvingly.
'Crash!', Nico repeats with his eyes shining from excitement.
'Like this?..... vrooom.... crash.... incomprehensible noises'.

I had no idea that at some point we need to start thinking in addition to acting in this crazy parenting business.

how domesticated do you need to be to be happy about it

2006-08-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

much, I suspect. I am barefoot and pregnant (by my own choice I have to admit) and although I am irrationally exuberant about it, time from time I look into a mirror and have to admit that I do fear the labor force and future. I was going to have an interview at UCSF tomorrow but my pregnancy got really way too much for both parties. The history repeats itself because the same happened to me with Nico, I was 8 months pregnant when I got a call from Stanford about available position.

In-between these highly unlikely offers that happen as often as solar eclipse, I am facing a cruel reality of somebody who is close to unemployable: my resume is a joke, no career to speak of, my last work experience will be 5 years old and was fluke to begin with. The life in my 20s was reasonable though, I worked a bit and studied a lot and partied a lot, until I stumbled on this guy and my subsequent child breeding activities when I finally realized that I need to get my shit together. It does seem like motherhood was really saving me from a much deeper depressive thoughts than the fears of shrinking domestic brain.

I do wonder though, what was I thinking when living my life in 20s? Is it my cultural background or my idiotic self that made me believe that I can hop throughout the life like your most favorite village idiot. I was also an extremely immature human, obsessed with a lifestyle of amused academic, who eventually gave up on her PhD for lack of minimal self-esteem. Being a mother really cured me of one thing though, the goddamn stupid lack of self-esteem, don't have time for that shit any-longer. time to grow up and find something I like to do and get better at it.

the doubledecker

2006-08-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

my 4 year old likes to put his head under my dress (thus creating a second bump next to my 35 week old in utero child) and calls me his double decker mommy.

this was also a day when Nico understood the problems of English transcription. He knew how to draw his name NICO but only today he realized that he needed a K in his name and informed me that we were drawing it wrong the whole time. If only he knew how random the rules of English writing are, he would give up right there.

34 weeks pregnant

2006-08-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

you know you are kinda out of it when your preschooler notes on the way home, while I am driving:
'Mama, you didn't hit the curb this time!'

sigh.

The Frog Prince

2006-08-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

reading Brother Grimm's fairy tales in an original and more authentic translation has been a surprising journey for me. At first my reaction was an utter shock. The main character in The Frog Prince tale, for example, couldn't be more narcissistic; she is an unreliable friend who doesn't keep her promise and eventually instead of the famous kiss (that I remember from my childhood) she throws the poor frog against the wall (yup that is the original version) which prompts the metamorphosis of frog into a prince. After all this, of course, they get married and live happily ever after (the ending of fairy tales is the only part that hasn't changed in the numerous revisions).

WTF? What kind of twisted moral is this about? It is not only that you need to be beautiful but nasty as well to get the rewards?

My son was adamant, and we read it again and again. Me, changing the story, skipping pages, hiding my contempt. I don't even know how did I change my mind but after the repetitious reading and endless complaints to my adult friends I came to a surprising conclusion: This princess was a child, a typical preschooler. She was not supposed to represent a model that we strive for in distant future but something that kids can identify with at the moment. I don't know how come I didn't get this before but what a surprise the children's book portraying a child? How selfcentered of me and my parenting agenda!

Egocentrism and a 3-4 year old? right on, that's how they perceive the world, our little narcissists. Difficulties liking friends, making friendships and finding them frustrating? No kidding, that is all my 4 year old deals with everyday. The story talks about the earning to play with a friend and the rejection friends experience everyday. The Frog Prince is a great way of portraying that if you are able to forget about our adult agenda for a moment. The sappy reward of marriage and happy live ever after again is just a symbol that kids associate with long run. Friends will be around us even after some difficulties and all can be good after the fights, rejection and rifts in friendships. Not surprisingly this is a powerful message for 4/5 year olds who tend to still live in the moment and have to learn that one bad playdate is not the end of the world.

I love this book now:-) (the more authentic translation that is), which may not be portraying the details of our modern lifestyle but is nevertheless a much deeper psychological representation of a child's mind than I was willing to ever admit.

letters to Nico: Turning 4

2006-08-07T23:09:00.000-07:00

what a year this was! what a change from a shy toddler to a bold preschooler. A year ago you started your preschool where the main anchor was the silver bike that you drove around again and again. Now at 4 you have many friends, projects your work on and more interests than I ever remember having. You can write legibly your name (with the right order of syllables) and you can write MAMA really well. remember how frustrated you were a month ago when you couldn't draw an A legibly? now it is perfect.
a month ago you wouldn't go into the swimming pool without me and now you are in your second class with you teachers and even swimming solo! I was so proud to see you plunge into the deep waters from that diving board that you admired so much and only thought it was for big kids.

The stories you tell are so delightful and full of insights into your own world that is very precise and logical and where sharks are friendly, trains are fragile and cowcatcher is catching cows on the tracks everytime it passes the meadow.

Your birthday was an event you did not take lightly. You knew who came and who didn't, you decided that the point when you turn 4 is not related to dates or times or party but to the act of blowing off candles on your cake! After you blew the candles off on your cake you immediately took off your shoes and examined the size of your foot. It was supposed to grow and you did get disappointed by the lack of immediate progress in your growing.

You and me will probably have many talks about my late growth spurts, and as a late bloomer i have to admit it sucked to be the smallest girl in the class. I wish I could do something about you not going through the same thing but I have a small hope that perhaps this little hardship while growing made me a better more compassionate person in the long run.

In the meantime, I hope you will keep coming in the morning to our bedroom waking us up with hugs,kicks, kisses, backrubs for at least another year to come.

love
~mama

literal cuteness

2006-07-30T23:04:00.000-07:00

Nico made significant progress with drawings this past week and yesterday he independently wrote me a following note:

MAMA (spelled correctly)
small elaborate scribbles in several lines (translated by Nico as 'I play with you and I love you and I made you a heart')
NICO (signed legibly)

Bryan's second comment after the praise was; 'Can you write DADDY?'

Synchronising

2006-07-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

pregnancy boom in your area, friends, preschool moms? Definitely in my circles. Nico's teacher has the same due date as me. Nico's best friend's mommy is couple of weeks behind me. Even my very remote girlfriends in remote Bratislava are all knocked up or with fresh newborns.

Synchronized menstruation is well known phenomena but synchronized pregnancies? sounds a little farfetched but I am just happy that I am not alone in this childbearing business.

ok, ladies whoever is reading this, my due date is September 17th, to de-fog our poor memories.

.... now back to do your Kegels!

the peanut is 31 weeks old -gestation age

2006-07-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

the brain is getting more wrinkles and the skin is smoothing out and getting more fat in it.

ok, where the heck are my fish stinking omega3 pills?

Soccer Momism

2006-07-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

you don't know how bad it is until you try and it brutalizes your desperate spirits clouded only by the veil of CO2 emissions.
One of the huge lifestyle benefits of stay at home mom is that you don't participate in morning sickness of the rest of population in the Bay Area called traffic and you can walk at your own (or most like your child's) pace long distances to just about anywhere and plan your days more or less spontaneously. Until ...... you book the first class for your kid!

We started intense swimming classes with Nico which seemed like a great idea in this heat and my last weeks of pregnancy. It crept out on me slowly and completely unexpectedly and now my sprits are crushed and my days are mutilated by driving the precious offspring on his way to hopefully much better self than ours. It really is the primary driving force, because my life and childhood were just sooo... AWFUL:-)

my day starts driving to preschool, dropping off offspring on his new ways to a play adventure. this excitement is followed by another one: running errands, getting groceries and some impromptu calls from Bryan checking upon me. I wonder, this all must make me so hot in his eyes. It certainly doesn't justify either my two master degrees or desire for simpler life.

By the time I finish lunch and get some scoop on news and parenting advice, it is time for a pick up from preschool AND another drive to a class, where I patiently observe my offspring making those athletic leaps into being a swimmer with proper style along with other bored parents.
we get our excited kids out of it and run run run for life and some dinner, hoping somehow somebody managed to keep some precooked goods in the freezer.

Soccer momism is as rewarding as a visit to a gynecologist, and there really is noway around it. If there is and doesn't involved home-schooling, let me know about it, pronto.

Movie Making

2006-07-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Starring CJ, MONY (the trains) and NICO, the narrator

'MONY AND CJ Pulled Themselves Home'

--narration starts while trains are being pushed on the tracks--

Choo-Choo! The two locomotives go on the tracks!

One is named CJ and one is called Mony.

'Go away little train, so I can pass!', says Lightning Queen

When the car passed, they moved back to the tracks.

They are very attentive tracks.... they are very fragile.

This is a friendly train, not scary.

The little wheels are called tracks.

.....long pause.....

CJ woke up at 12.

.....another pause, while trains are moving on the tracks.....

Right now the light is going green, when the light turns red the movie is over.

.......silent movement of trains........

The diamond is in the middle, when the diamond gets to the end, the movie is over.

....... a meditative moment while moving trains around.....

The diamond is invisible.

The movie is over, because the diamond is at the end.

Mony and CJ went back home because the movie told them it is over.

< The END>

Keeping your cool

2006-07-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

it is 100+F (38+C) and me and my 4 year old managed not to leave the house (sans A/C) and have some fun.
thanks to
the garden waterhose avec the mist option
wedging icecubes in my hair and balancing icecube on my child's head
holding ice in our hands for as long as we could (this can cool down your body temperature by 3 degrees -from wiki)
improvised science project of letting ice cubes melt under different conditions (direct sun or indirect sun, wet vs dry surface)
frozen grapes/cherries and blueberries
using the semi delirious state to make up silly songs

and no, I am not a perfect mom with a genius child, just a desperate pregnant lady. once the temperature drops down I will be back to yelling and complaining about my grumpy husband.

scary scary nightmares

2006-07-23T17:19:00.001-07:00

I just realized that the nightmares that my 3 year old used to have almost daily are mostly gone. Remembering them was the hard part because I didn't write them down but here are some memorable ones. They also show an ineresting progress in story telling.

'A Skyscraper was walking to me and said 'Hi'."
'Rolling stones with talking faces on them'.

No More Floating

2006-07-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

I though I would mention a member of this family that is in his 30th week of gestation, which means that our Peanut (formerly known as Jellybean) is not floating (most likely) any longer and is tightly resting in utero. He can probably open his eyes, react to light stimulation and even scratch his face (his nails can now be long enough). We will do a flashlight project with Nico tonight to see if the light makes Peanut move or at least scratch:-)

Excitement!

Choosing names for a little boy who may at some point become a manly man is an agony. We would have now had 5 names for a girl while we have almost none for the boy. Why is it harder to choose a name for a boy than a girl?

Girls' names can be masculine, feminine, foreign, exotic, archaic, common words, unpronounceable and still be cool and/or adorable. For a boy, giving him a name that sounds anything a tad more feminine or exotic is laughable. argh, another reason why I believe that raising a boy is so much more challenging and takes more energy.

my current name candidate is Sasha, that is most likely not going win because of a strong feminine connotation in English. It would be nice to use something from my slovak heritage, but Svatopluk doesn't sound very sexy. not yet.

A Tickle Project

2006-07-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

the kids have the most clever survival techniques. Waking up at ungodly hours by a rambunctious toddler can be so maddening..... until he says something like ......'Daddy, do you want to work on a tickle project with me?'.

The day I lost my lavender lust

2006-07-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

this is an article about lavender oil and tea tree oil mimicking estrogen in our bodies. this is especially worrisome for small boys.

file under worries.
Oils Mimicking Estrogen Article

this sucks because lavender is my preferred scent and tea tree oil is very pleasant too. Sadness.

I don't want you to have penis mama!

2006-07-05T19:34:00.001-07:00

my 3 year old announces while in the bathroom. A meditative moment passed so he inquires further '... But would you like to have a penis, mama?'

I love these philosophical moments, they are so pointless and so important at the same time.

Joseph Kittinger: Project Man High

2006-07-02T08:27:00.001-07:00

whoa, I grew up being brainwashed by the 'knowledge' that Jurij Gagarin was the first man in the space. So this came as a wonderful surprise to me. oh man the memory of my meager skydive from 14,000 feet made my stomach flutter just by watching this.

See Project Man High Video here

133t conflict resolution skills?

2006-07-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

You are standing at the playground supervising a bunch of toddlers playing peacefully when suddenly, whithin seconds you hear yelling, pulling hair, hitting and pushing. The horror of playground dramas. If you are a parent you certainly experienced the shock and emotional dismay that overcomes you when you see your angelically sweet kids fight like gladiators in arena. If you are a parent whose child resorts to more aggressive tactics you feel embarrassed, ashamed and just want to teleport your child immediately in his home timeout. If you are a parent whose child gets hit you get angry, frustrated and resentful, and want the other kid pay for this. If you are a parent of close in age siblings, you are ready to lose it altogether. All of these bad emotions are at free display to your immature toddlers who just care for the toy but get exposure to the whole spectrum of adult feelings and typically inherit these feelings in the long run.

While working in my wonderful coop I have learnt some very useful techniques about how to deal with this that I will briefly describe here for the benefit of my memory mostly, that doesn't get any better these days. The age is critical here, for 2 year olds you mostly describe the situation and establish solution yourself. If you are around three year olds and after you describe situation (or gather info if you were not there at the moment of conflict) then you engage children in solving the conflict by their own terms. It took me a long time to realize and relax around these kinds of conflict to see them as great opportunities to teach kids how to behave in mature ways in times of conflict.

1. First, disengage emotionally (if you can). This is important, 2-3 year olds need to learn that conflicts are normal part of life and can be solved without much emotional residual.

2. Second, describe the situation (to buy some time and stop escalation of the conflict)
use sentences such as
'It looks like you both want....'
'I can see that you are yelling at each other'
'I see a toy flying over my head and that makes me scared'
'What's happening here' 'what happened next'
'What do you want to tell her?' or 'did you like what just happened?'
'How could we solve this problem?'
'You are really angry that....'

Define the problem in children terminology
'Nico wants this block and Maya wants this block. You both want the same block. What can we do about this?'
'Which idea might work the best?'
'How do you thing we could do this without.....hitting?'

Agree on solutions
'Nico says he'll go first and then you will have a turn. Is that OK with you"

Follow through
'It looks like you have solved the problem'
I'll be the time keeper and let you know when it's time for Maya's turn'.
'The time is out, whose turn is it now?'

3. If you enter situation at the point of physical fight, get in, separate children and take hold of the object of desire to neutralize the situation (and buy yourself some time) and then repeat the cycle of gathering info, describing situation and involving kids in conflict resolution.

Here we go, I just poured my brain out to show off my preschool conflict resolution skills. Not mentioning the bonus of feeling like I finally got freed from my infantile myself as well. I really feel like I am growing along with my 3.5 year old. Confrontation are hard work man, I feel for those kids. Thank you Stacey, Michele and Lisa for being such a great teachers to me and my preschooler.

Why, Mama, Why?

2006-06-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

Why do you want to blog?, asks N 234th time when he finds me staring at this screen insecurely. I just want to scream, I don't know and I don't care but I can keep this to this blog and we will both be fine. Thanks blahg for this temporary relief of insanity and hi me.