rooting for the roots

so here I am again, back to the old country, the old hometown and bringing my kids along to see its magnificence. The visits have been stressful in the past for multiple reasons but being a relatively unhappy teenager and quite angsty young woman could have something to do with it.

in those long intervals when building my new home elswhere, raising two American boys and reconnecting with my American husband over the years really brought me to a much better place and I have became something quite unexpected (probably only to me): an American.

It turns out it takes about 15 years in exile, two children, one dog, anywhere between 9 and 4 chickens and above all one stubborn husband to really become at home in a newly acquired culture.

The process was slow and but palpable as I get reminded of it frequently when strangers eventually ask that one ubiquitous question they must ask 'where are you from?' whenever our conversation exceeds the minimal one sentence. I have had used the old home country code forever. First as my real identity, then out of habit, and lately as some form of excuse, giving myself a benefit of doubt, to not to judge: I just come from a different culture, dude.

So it came to me as a bit of surprise when I started using Portland as my home address. The feeling around this realization was a feeling of relief an happiness because yes, it is an immense relief to settle down and be done with cultural divide. Plus we built a beautiful home in Portland and love the city for its enthusiasm for simpler life, biking, local foodism, urban chicken keeping with the bonus of gorgeous nature and kind inhabitants.


there may be a little finer cultural shift in my personality that really wanted this to happen and it has to do with something so profoundly american as its pie; the healthy ego and selfesteem and assertiveness and other forms of intorspection, such as treating oneself well, accepting oneself and respecting oneself that I must have acquired along the way.

There are as many words for self-esteem in English as they are words for potato in Slovak or snow in Eskimo. If not more. Much of the self focused growth that i needed i made for happier self so I am content and able to fend of constant judgment that my slovak inheritance is so full of.

One inevitable sideproduct of this individualistic selfabsorbed growth is that it makes for more isolated livng at least in the short run, I think. For example, it has become a complete surprise to me NOW for the first time ever to think about why do I still keep relatioships going that so clearly are not very pleasant and don't particularly add anything positive to my life. the american self is rooting for cutting off these ties that have never been fun or fruitful while the slovak self is terrified of loneliness and the loss of the long history I had with some of my more torturous friends and the closeness that somehow people feel when they are with the enemies who were around forever. Kidn of like family members.


rambling rambling for the sake of own understanding of all of this. 'There is no need for excessive nostalgy other than some neurotic subproduct of selfdoubt'; the american ego says while the slovak ego stares blank and mutters 'huh ?'.