looking back in time

One of the most curious results of my child addled brain and the regretful disappearance of my shorterm memory is that I am suddenly flooded by many memories from childhood that I did not retrieve for a decade or two. It feels surreal and weird because I literally have to stop whatever I am doing at that moment, the memory is that unexpected.

some triggers are totally weird, like a smell of some chinese ointment that I smelled in yoga studio: that made me zoom instantly to the times when my sister used the ointment for her migraines and the medicinal smell that accompanied most of my childhood ailments.

Other triggers though are more obvious. After spending some time with my sister and this time not reacting to anything but a direct question really made me observe and recognize us as small kids. I was stunned to see that not that much of the dynamic changed in those 30+ years. We regress to our 7 year old ourselves instantly. Having my mom around pushes the same kind of buttons as always but finally I find the effect less painful and more revealing about where my ego or lack of comes from.

listening to sentences like " I would have never guessed that you would be so skilled in ..... " or ' you have an unbelievable skill to mess things up' or just the common exclamation of my name in frequent judgment, make me want to hug that small kid who was once me. Although to my mother's defense, it is very cultural way of dealing with kids and something that she as a kid probably went through and probably worse. We are all doing better now with our kids in each generation and I am certain she tried. and I am grateful, I guess.